R.I.P Mr. DirRty Martini,

We are sad to report as the “mothers” of Mr. DM that he came to his plunging death on 08/13/2010…Hi glass was last cleaned by his mother Bianca before she left town for St. Louis on 8/10/2010. On Friday morning at approximately 6:23 AM, I (Winter) came down to feed DirRty before I left for work that day. I noticed that he was oddly jumping at the rim of the glass much like he was wishing there was a rim of salt for him to lick…I advised MR. DM that although Bianca and I love a good margarita too, he lived in a Martini glass and salt with a martini was just plain gross. I sprinkled his orange flakes of food at the top of the water and waved good bye. Sadly, I did not know that when I closed the door behind me that morning, I was closing the door on his life. We would never see him happily swimming in that glass ever again.

Ironically at 7:30PM I walked in from having margaritas at happy hour and went to the kitchen to cook up some dinner. Being a lil’ tipsy, and since Bianca was not there to talk to, I spoke out loud to Mr. DM, “What is that foul smell?” I proceeded to take out the trash, nope the smell was still there...I ran the garbage disposal…nope smell still there. I went to light a candle and peered over to the Martini glass; that’s when I noticed strange white fog in the water like I had never seen before. DiRrty’s pigment looked dull; he no longer sparkled or glistened his usual bright blue. I flicked the glass to get my little boy jumping, but he laid still at the bottom. I then shook the glass, the water sloshed, and nothing. I finally took the end of a scrubbing brush and tenderly poked at him….No response. Jesus, Mary and Joseph…I laid my head on the counter, reached for my cell phone, and called in the time of death to his other Mother, Bianca Sass.

Bianca took the news as well as any mother of a water-child could. Thankfully she was already sitting down when I had to break the tragic news. We discussed how we had just shared with the world the importance of having an aquatic baby in our life. We reminisced about the simply joy he brought us and how we couldn’t have asked for a better beta ….there was a moment of silence. Then, alone, I scooped him up in the net, placed him into a plastic cup, played my ipod for some ceremony music, and marched the cup upstairs to the burial grounds. It was there I dropped Mr. DirRty Martini into the clean toilet bowl, said my final goodbyes, and pressed the burial button ever so gently. I have never been more moved by a toilet…and there in the porcelain bowl, DiRrty took his final swim.

  Rest in Peace MR. DirRty Martini 2/2010 – 8/13/2010

May your life be filled with stiff drinks and strong men, Mr. DM you will be missed.
Bianca & Winter

Baby versus the Beta Fish; my Beta is cuter than yours!

Winter and I would like to take a moment to praise, appreciate and recognize our beloved son Mr. DiRrty Martini. For those of you who aren’t aware, we adopted our darling Beta fish this past February when Winter made a random purchase of a giant Martini Glass; since then our home and hearts have been filled with more love than we could have ever anticipated.

Here are the top ten reasons why you should consider having a Beta fish over a baby (now Mom’s don’t be too jealous):

1. He doesn’t cramp our style

• All my single ladies! -Winter and I can go to Happy Hour, stay at the beach, or even take a weekend trip AND you know what… Mr. DirRty does not bat an eye, shed a tear, or throw a fit. He simply glides through his Martini glass and gives us his blessing.

2. He wants us to spend our hard earnings on our$elve$

• For all of you mothers out there, don’t you sometimes wish you could be selfish, have a day at the spa, a new pair of jeans, or get those shoes in the window you have just been dying over? But instead you find yourself at Toy ‘ R us? Or you miss those trips to Target that cost you a hundred dollars, filled with the newest make up, wine, and books? Now you find your cart is full of diapers and rash cream instead of the inexpensive fish food at 5 bucks a pop once every 3 months (and that’s if we remember to feed him every day!). See this brings us to another great point, you can forget to feed Mr. DirRty and he doesn’t die, cry, or even get mad!

3. He listens and doesn’t talk back

• And you know when babies turn into toddlers and they start to talk back….well not only will Mr. DirRty Martini NEVER talk back; he also has no choice but to listen to us bitch and moan about OUR days. Kids can be so me, me, me. Not Mr. DirRty Martini. Now we’re not saying that he doesn’t act up. He HATES it when we have to change his water; he squiggles around and sometimes flops, hard, onto the counter top. He learns his lesson though, and jumps willingly back into his glass. Let’s be honest, no mom wants to raise her voice, and neither do we, but when we do, he can’t, and I repeat… he cannot talk back.

4. His toys don’t take over our house

• Come on mom’s you know how hard you try to keep those dolls off the counter, the legos off the stairs, and then bam! Right when you pick it up there’s a new mess in the other room….With Mr. DirRty he confesses to every mess he makes…no one else can cloud the water like he does.

5. He never wakes up us in the middle of the night

• With a beta fish like Mr. DirRty there are no 2am feedings, crying in the middle of the night, or diaper changes at ungodly hours. In fact, we have a mutual agreement; we don’t give DiRrty a bedtime as long as he doesn’t wake us up. He is free to swim about through the wee hours. Just like Winter’s mom taught us, wear earplugs, unplug your phone, and wake your dad up if you’re sick. Well since Mr. DirRty doesn’t have a dad (that we are aware of) he has no option but to obey this rule.

6. No dirty diapers or potty training

• Diaper genies…pssssssssssh not in our house! And you know how much diapers costs?!?! Well we don’t since we only have a fish, but rumor has it they are very expensive!

7. He’s not an attention whore

• As single ladies we get sick of hearing “look at the baby, look at the baby!”…and you know what we never hear “look at the beta, look at the beta!”…The thing is, we’re ok with that, and so is Mr. DiRrty. He likes to remain in our shadows and let his parents shine instead. He understands that we are first; he is second.

8. DiRrty doesn’t have crying fits or throw tantrums

• Fits and tantrums in the middle of the grocery store! How embarrassing….well guess what, if we don’t get DiRrty that candy bar or if he misses his nap, DiRrty acts like the mature Beta fish he is and just swims around and around at the brim of his glass….he may flirt with jumping out, but he never does. What a rascal!

9. He never has to be disciplined and is just a happy child

• And as mothers who likes to discipline their child? That’s right, no one. Well since he is water bound, spankings and timeouts are non-existent in our household. It really keeps things Zen and fung shui.

10. He gives amazing advice

• It’s almost like he’s a therapist and psychic all in one. We tell him our problem and he blows bubbles, swims faster, slower, or just lays there and wags his tail…which in fish language can be interpreted as “Have some champagne.” And you know what, after A LOT of research we’ve found that DiRrty is right…champagne can make any situation better and help soothe the most troublesome day away.

While all of you mothers can post updates and pictures about your baby…we will digress and not follow in suit as we would hate for you to be jealous of our new water child. Let us have this top ten list. Keep us posted on your pregnancies, babies, and children; but please do us this one favor… think of Mr. DirRty Martini and what a great addition he is to our home….who knows, maybe you have a single, childless neighbor that may be in need of a water child.

Keep on swimming,

Winter & Bianca

Sandwich artists only....

One Friday after a crazy day at work, Bianca raced over to Main Street to meet Winter and friends for a late Happy Hour. Bianca’s rumbling stomach informed her that the strawberry nirvana jamba juice she slurped down for lunch wasn’t gonna cut it for much longer. Thoughts of a turkey avocado sandwich danced in her head and she prayed that Winter had selected a spot that carried it on the menu. Unfortunately for Bianca, Sharkeez’s Mexican Cantina was the chosen rendezvous.

She sadly went inside and found Winter, her friends, and a pile of mostly eaten plates. “Sorry B,” said Winter “We were starving, but go put your order in…we’re planning on staying here for most the night.” Bianca grabbed a menu and desperately searched it hoping that next to the list of quesadillas, enchiladas, and baja tacos would miraculously be a turkey avocado sandwich… “Damn it,” thought Bianca “Doesn’t Sharkeez know they would make a killing off delicious sandwiches?!” She slammed her menu down, and flagged down the waitress for a drink instead so her thirst could be quenched and the woes of work would be eased away….

A couple hours passed and although Bianca’s craving for a turkey-avo was still strong, her need for anything but an empty stomach was stronger. As she reluctantly made her way up to the bar to order, she suddenly saw a glowing light coming from across the street…and like a sign from heaven, it read…SANDWICHES. Bianca made a bee-line to Winter telling her she’d be right back; and then skipped across the street towards the heavenly neon glow.

As she entered there were about 10 people ahead of her. “Ok, no worries,” she thought “this will move fast.” 30 minutes later she made it to the front of the line. Just as she was about to place her order she saw the cruel words that stated “CASH ONLY”…”Sssshhh*T!” thought Bianca. She looked around and saw an ATM at the back of the store. Hastily, Bianca jumped out of line and pulled out a $20 bill. As she made her way back to the counter, 8 people had somehow formed another line. “I’ve come so close,” thought Bianca “I will eat a sandwich!”

20 minutes passed and it was finally Bianca’s turn. “What can I get you?” asked the owner. “I’ll have a turkey sandwich on wheat with avocado, lettuce, tomato, pickles, mustard and a little pepper, please,” said Bianca with glee. The owner made her sandwich just the way she asked, wrapped it up in paper and handed it to her. “Thank you! Oh, thank you!” said Bianca tearfully with joy.  She could almost taste it.

Bianca walked outside and sat down on a nearby bench. She unwrapped the top of her sandwich and her mouth watered. Just as she was about to take the first bite, her phone rang. Bianca fumbled for her cell with one hand while holding the turkey-avo in the other. “Hello, make it fast, I’m trying to eat here!,” snapped Bianca.

“B, its Dad! Just wanted to say hi.” “Oh, hey dad…things are good, just dying to eat this turkey avocado sand—“ and just then, mid-sentence, the most horrific, unspeakable, traumatic thing happened….a wigger on a bike rolled up and snatched Bianca’s prized sandwich from her hand, and then just kept going. Stunned, confused, angry and most importantly, starving Bianca stood up and started screaming “HEY! WHAT THE F%^K! YOU CAN”T &*^%$*# DO THAT! THAT’S MY $%#@! SANDWICH YOU LOW LIFE #%^& ^%$#@!

Bianca looked around and noticed that everyone on the street was gawking at her. “He stole… he stole my sandwich!” cried Bianca desperately trying to explain. “You’re drunk sweetie, go home,” said a woman. “I am NOT drunk! I am FAMISHED!” barked Bianca. She turned around to go buy another sandwich just as the glowing light went dark and the sign on the door now read “Closed.” “NOOOOOOOOOO!” wailed Bianca. She saw a man with a wrapped up sandwich just sitting down…”I’ll give you $10 for that sandwich sir, it’s all I have, but it’s yours!” she begged. The man quickly got up and walked away. Bianca was clearly entering in the 3rd stage of grief: “Anger and Bargaining.”

“Bianca?”….she heard a voice say calmly….”Bianca, are you alright? Bianca, why are you screaming at people?”   Slowly Bianca realized that her father was still on the other end of the phone. “Oh hey dad…”whispered Bianca. “You know I’m just gonna call you later ok? Bye.” Bianca hung up the phone and decided to head home. On her way she passed a 24-hr convenient store and a smile grazed over her face.

Winter got home later that night and found the kitchen in total disarray. Globs of peanut butter, pieces of wheat bread and drops of jelly were all over the counter and the floor. “What the hell happened here?” laughed Winter “It looks like a 5 year old has been in here finger painting with ummm peanutbutter and jelly.” “What are you talking about?” called Bianca from her room. As Winter walked upstairs, she continued to follow an artistry of peanut butter and jelly that lead all the way to Bianca’s shirt and face.

Hold your sandwich with both hands,

Bianca and Winter