Frog #2 – Cinderella meets Drew Carey

So I started my new job this year in December, and by February I had a co-worker applying for the part of my Personal Fairy Godmother (PFG). I was hesitant since I didn’t know her very well, actually hardly at all, but I was too polite to refuse her blind date set up. Ok, so me being polite has nothing to do with it, I want to see if there’s a glass slipper my size….and what if this blind froggy turns out to be prince charming! I agreed to hear more.

My new PFG told me her blind froggy was Danish (I like accents), liked to travel (I love exotic jet setting), was in a band (well who doesn’t like music), worked in the insurance industry (SNOOZE -red flag #1), and lived in Pasadena (ummm…no comment). Overall, frog numero dos appeared to have potential. I inquired about his looks and my PFG said she was "working on it," but no photo was ever delivered (red flag #2). Even without the pic, the plan was set in motion; me and the Danish frog would meet for happy hour in long beach.

The day of the blind date my PFG spent the majority of the day pacing by my desk, giving me the thumbs up, and constantly telling me “you’re looking good Winter!” I begin to get that "oh sh*it what did I get myself into" feeling when my PFG casually mentioned that the Danish frog is a bit shy. “But don’t you worry your pretty little head,” said my PFG, "I know you’ll bring him out of his shell.” Insert red flag #3. I’m a pro at dealing with frogs and their slimy skin, but now I have to deal with shells? Nonetheless, I hardly ever pass up the opportunity to have happy hour...

I arrived first, not in a horse and carriage, but in my Honda civic…regardless the place was magical…well as magical as a bar can be…my confidence in the night bloomed, I thought to myself “If my PFG can pick out a bar as good as she can pick out a guy, then maybe this match will be a success!” I made friends with the bartender, a skill I recommend everyone practices and becomes an expert at, and ordered a glass of champagne.

I began to survey the bar and size up the crowd to see if the potential prince was already there. I spotted a cute, well groomed group of business men… the Danish frog wasn’t coming in a group, but I made a mental note for Bianca and I to come back in our business attire if this is a bust...I saw an older man sporting a pair of cargo pants and a navy blazer, I make a face and hoped it wasn’t him…. I scanned over toward the elevator and in walked my PFG and a man. C-R-A-P! With her was a tall, skinny, Danish, DREW CAREY. I’m talking short sleeve plaid shirt (red flag #4), khaki pants(red flag #5), black round glasses(red flag #6), flat top buzz cut (red flag #7), everything Drew minus 50 lbs. At this point I made a plea to God hoping at least the fabulous sense of humor was also intact. I decided ordering 2 glasses of champagne was now critical, and at the very least, would help make things interesting.

As we began to talk, the Danish frog was nice & polite, but I found out my PFG was a chronic embellisher. I should have saw signs earlier; I do live with Bianca after all. For example, his exotic travels = He travels for work, and mainly to places like Oklahoma and Ohio (no offense to our readers who live there). Additionally, the “Drew Carey” sense of humor is nowhere to be found. Instead, almost every conversation somehow turned back to the insurance industry. Sorry Danish froggy, but just because I work in the insurance industry doesn’t mean I enjoy talking about. In fact, Bianca and I usually lie when people ask us what we do. My standard response is that I’m a limo driver, and that Bianca has a successful career at Big Lots. Soooo much more fun to talk about designer limo hats and Bianca’s love of saying “clean-up on aisle 2” over the intercom, but I digress.

The Danish frog finally excused himself…. It didn’t take my PFG more than 2 seconds before she ran over to me and started rapid firing: "Do you like him? What do you think? I think you have a lot in common! It seems to be going well!" I hated to burst her bubble but I simply told her he totally wasn’t my type. She insisted he was just nervous…that’s a sweet excuse, but this frog was more flawed than that.

Once the blind froggy returned, he changed the topic to something all girls want to hear on their first date…his DIVORCE. Uh excuse me?!?!?! And the real kicker, it wasn’t even finalized….after that I mentally ended my date and made eyes at the bartender who quickly brought me a shot (see how important it is you make friends with these chaps.) Once there was a lull I excused myself and made my move for an escape, but my Danish frog insisted on walking me out (no- no- no- no- no- no, please don't, I cringed). As we get to the elevator I was hastily hitting the down button to escape as quickly as possible. He stated "we should do this again." I just smiled and said "it was nice meeting you." And it got even MORE awkward when he began to bow, yes bow, multiple times with his hands in prayer position. I’m pretty sure my face had WTF written all over it…the elevator opening was my saving grace. Who knew the Danish bowed? I certainly didn't.

So needless to say, I had to let my PFG go. The position is still open in case you’re wondering. Dating a few frogs hasn't hurt so far….just provided good writing material.

Brut or Spumante,
Bianca and Winter

"Where the "bleep" is Prince Charming?!?!?" …Frog #1

“Soooo...when are you two crazy kids getting married?” “When are guys going to settle down and give us a grandchild?” "How bout' kid number 2?" These are annoying inquisitions all couples must face...and for us in singleton-ville, the dreaded question is and always will be: “Why aren’t you dating anyone?” 

They must have amnesia…they must! How else could they forget how annoying it is to constantly dodge the same questions about why you're still alone, and living your life as a single lady? Regardless, we'd consider the "Do you have a boyfriend yet" question to be just as rude as congratulating a woman on being pregnant and asking when she's due. The truth…she's simply put on a couple holiday lbs and you're clueless remark has just led her to the kitchen for yet another sugar cookie….Do you think she's happy about the extra weight gain? I'm sure she's about as giddy as B & W attending another wedding without a date. Scratch that! Weddings are a great place to meet single guys…if your into one night stands-haha.

Once the "soooo…are you dating anyone" line is dropped, and you admit you're in fact still a "party of 1", you get the tilt of the head, a sympathetic smile then the back pedaling begins… They make remarks about how they miss being single, and “married life isn’t what it’s all cracked up to be", "enjoy your freedom” …OR if you're Winter they want to play fairy Godmother and set you up with a "great guy"…a guy they think could be…Dun dun dun…THE ONE! This brings us to Winter's blind date series of Frog's….

Blind Frog #1 - one 4th of July, my phone rings and it’s a work colleague: "Winter" she squeals, "OMG we're at our friends house and she has a cute young son around your age, he's so fun! Come over now and meet him"… Noticing my lack of response, she adds "We're playing beer pong!" Damn…beer pong is my weakness, but I did have plans. After explaining my day was already filled with festivities she stated she was going to get a picture of him to see if I'd be interested. The next day at work I receive an email with his visual enclosed. He seemed normal enough, no immediate red flags. So I did what all woman do since the creation of the internet...I Googled him. I began investigating to get his background info, what he does, where he lives, what he likes to do in his free time, etc….The emailing turned into texting, a phone call and eventually a date was set. We decided that he'd come by, pick me up and we'd grab dinner and drinks.

The day of the date, I was hitting the beach with Bianca…and to be honest really wondering what the hell I had gotten myself into. I wanted to trust my friend/colleague but at the same time this casual date was getting more blind by the moment….As I got home and ready for him to arrive, I decided that slamming a beer or 2 to loosen up was totally normal…ok it was actually 4 beers…but Bianca and I concur that this is still normal.

As I waited anxiously in the kitchen with Bianca, we hear our gate open, and not 1 but two MALE voices entered our complex. Oh just perfect, our guy friend (who has no idea I was blind dating) arrived at the same time as my Froggy #1! Talk about an awkward first introduction. "Hi I'm Winter, and this is my friend Brad who's here picking up my BFF Bianca"…then I gave Brad my best I-mean-business stare and stated "Yes Brad, this is a blind date now we're going to keep moving, Got it? "

As me and Blind Froggy # 1 walked to his car, he informs me he just bought it and is learning how to drive a stick shift. I smile and nod, as car talk does not interest me one bit. We back out of the drive way, make it about a half a mile…and ppfft pffft pfft... the car just dies in the middle of the road! Remember how I had those 2 (ok, ok…4 beers) before I left? Well it caused me laugh…the kind of laugh that's loud, uncontrollable and brings tears to your eyes. I mean when car is a lemon turn it into lemonade right? Well he didn't think the car dying was as amusing as I did. After a few minutes of stalling, the wonder vehicle eventually started back up and we were on our way…

My date was nice but painfully shy, he had no plans, didn't talk much and left me feeling exhausted after about 30 minutes. For all you sorority girls…it was worst than getting stuck talking to a mute Mormon during RUSH. As the night went on, I got text messages from my other friends that were out and just across the street. I grew very envious and wished I was with them instead of having to entertain Blind Froggy #1. I wrapped things up quickly after dinner and said I was feeling like a cold was coming on….for those who don't know, I loose my voice weekly, so it's an easy cop out….this works like a charm when calling in sick to work, and now it was an absolute gem for getting out of this date. (However it's a real pill for anyone trying to talk to me at a bar)…anyway, Froggy #1 takes the bait!

Before you know it, I'm escaping his ride home, calling to find out where my friends are, grabbing a cab, and being greeted with a large cocktail. I did feel a bit guilty, especially as I received a text from him saying "It was a great time, we should do it again!" No response was warranted. Where is Blind Froggy #1 now you ask???….well he went on to date a single mother with 2 children.

Bottle or Draft.
Bianca and Winter

White Trash Living...

Shopping, traveling, cars we call our own, & a condo a mile from the ocean…just divine. But the sound of all this is deceiving. Life in California has not always been as picturesque as a day at the beach.

Let us take you back in time (about 5 years ago to be exact); to a different city in California. Long Beach. In a very yellow house.

This is where we resided in a 2 bedroom and 1 sort-of bathroom. Don't let the looks of this place fool you, we only rented the front small left corner…it was sectioned off into 2 other units. We also had an additional roommate, we'll call her "Margarita," after one of B&W's favorite drinks! Margarita lived in the "master" bedroom that was connected to the only bathroom in the house. This was an extra challenge all on its own as the bathroom sink and mirror were located IN her bedroom. This typically left us brushing our teeth & washing our faces at the kitchen sink, while waving to the neighbors walking their dogs or leaving for work... they peered in at us with disbelief, pity and straight-up horror.

We also had to share a bedroom... with only one mattress… that depressingly laid directly on the floor. In addition, our room was the size of a cubicle lined with boxes and a closet that was built for midgets. In order to even get to the closet you had to step directly on the mattress, as there was no room for any walk-way or any other furniture for that matter. Well no furniture, other than the ever so important make-shift "hair & make -up stations".... Since we didn't have access to the vanity in Margarita's room, we had to make do with a full length mirror propped up on the floor, aka the "hair station." This is where we styled our tresses and checked out the outfits we had put together (which in hindsight were hideous). Meanwhile the other person would sit on an office chair and place a hand held mirror amongst the boxes to finalize their bonne bell look at the "make-up station." Once the tasks were accomplished, we'd yell switch and walk across the mattress to swap stations. No bueno folks…no bueno.

OK, moving onto the family room. Lets just say we brought the beach to us. Literally. Since the couch Margarita received from her mother-in-law couldn't fit through the 18th century size doors on our piss yellow house, we had no choice but to use very posh $3.99 beach chairs from Big Lots to watch TV on. And since the couch didn't fit inside, we left it on our front lawn…some neighbors complained it was an eyesore, we merely saw it as an extra large welcome mat. We also used beach towels instead of blankets to keep warm…dang we were economically savvy! Surprisingly enough, the Big Lots chairs were more comfortable than the stiff, put-it-together IKEA couch we had in its original place. That couch made you feel like you were wearing a straight jacket and demand you visit the nearest chiropractor after spending more than 35 minutes on it... But we digress. Our living conditions really began to rub off on us when we swapped out our standard glass of ice cold milk at dinner for a bottle of Green Light District beer. Its safe to say that by this time "white trash living" had come full circle.

Living in extremely close quarters led to fights that made us feel on occasion like an old odd married couple. For example, Bianca is a very light sleeper, and for a week straight she claimed that each morning at about 3:30AM the fire alarm would start beeping loudly every 10 minutes. Bianca would bring this up to Winter in frustration because the constant beeping not only woke her up, but was giving her insomnia. Winter took one look at her and said "that sucks, too bad you are a light sleeper."

Bianca didn't accept this response and began to go off on a tangent about how the next time it happens she will unmercifully beat Winter over and over with her pillow until she too is up and can share in the glorious misery with her appropriately . Enraged, Winter springs up from the mattress, wheeled the office chair from the make up station over to the fire alarm, balanced long enough to knock the batteries out and watched them fall to the ground. Winter glared at Bianca and stated "if there is a fire you better sniff it out and wake my ass up, I hope you sleep soundly." I guess we could have just changed out the batteries but that would have been too simple…

In case you're wondering how we got around town…well we shared a forest green 1995 Jeep Cherokee for 6 months that Bianca drove from Missouri to Southern California…that's right…6 months sharing a car. It did the job until we had to rely on a plethora of AAA men with tow trucks to jump start the crapper from various parking lots across the OC. Sadly, all the local AAA agents knew us by name. Winter was even welcomed to Sunny So Cal with the jeep dying in the airport parking lot. Good thing Orange County is a safe area, otherwise you might find our faces on the back of a milk carton.

As a final treat we wanted to share a picture of ourselves from back then for a good laugh, but the truth is we couldn't afford a camera at this point in our lives. Actually, this is a blessing in disguise because our fashion sense fell EXTREMELY short from fabulous.

Natty light or Keystone,
Bianca Sass & Winter Smize

I think this is the beginning of a beautiful friendship...

Welcome to sunny So Cal!…well almost, you may not live here with us so we thought we would create a place where you can live vicariously through us! We will cover everything from white trash living in California, driving a car that's on fire, blind dates from hell, annoying babies, drunk shopping, and all the other shenanigans, & unusual predicaments that we seem to get ourselves into.



All of these stories have developed over 20 years of friendship & no we are not 40 somethings, we have known each other since 2nd grade….even if it had a rocky start, well more to come on that.


5 years have quickly passed by from when we moved from St. Louis to Southern California…Yet every time we go "home" to St. Louis we hear the same 2 infamous questions:


#1. Are you dating anyone?


#2. When are you moving "home"?

To answer your first question…well it just depends on the day of the week you are asking one of us, but no nothing serious nor has there been for a few years…can we say dry spell? No we choose to say "picky"...and by picky we mean we are not really into dead beat dad's, online dating gurus, pot heads (that's an understatement), polygamists, married men (although that boat was a perk, almost), pharmacists with extra small hands, OR men old enough to be our fathers & creepy enough to be handing out candy from the back of a "Chester molester" van…


As for the second question let this blog be our definitive way of telling all of your inquisitive minds, well….NEVER!


To finalize setting the stage for this blog, we discovered that every great female artist has an "alter ego" or stage name: Sasha Fierce, Xtina, Mimi, Lola, & Cherry kookoo…We felt that left us no choice but to create alter ego's, giving us a platform to express our true adventures while protecting our real identities…we like living here, we need to keep our jobs. Haha.

So with that being said let us stop being rude and introduce ourselves. First Meet Bianca Sass. Bianca's name is derived from something that say's "bitch slap" without really coming out and well, slapping you in the face. And Sass for that side when after a few cocktails she has a way with words that can slash your heart to pieces and shame you into humiliation. Next up Winter Smize. Winter - was inspired by our childhood street name. And Smize came from the person we love and love to hate, Tyra Banks. Tyra coined the word "smize" on ANTM which means- the art of smiling with your eyes. While a smile can tell you a lot about a person all you need is one look at Winter's face and you can tell exactly what she is thinking.


Its official, now we are up n' running and ready to spill our deepest ,darkest, and tipsiest adventures to you….we hope you "tune" in and follow our storyline from past, present, and future. Yes, we will be time traveling through our journey as BFF's, but will try not to be as confusing as an episode of "LOST."
And remember, you may have a boyfriend, a baby, bling, or billions…but you don't have a BFF like Bianca & Winter. Jealous? I know.



Shaken or stirred,


Bianca Sass & Winter Smize